ultimate direction TO race vest — IMG_1817

A few weeks ago I had the chance to chat with Denny from the DizRuns Podcast. [You can listen HERE.] I went on his show imagining that our conversation would center around the different aspects of running I have experience with like running during pregnancy and postpartum or fundraising for the Children’s Hospital at Dartmouth-Hitchcock.

Our conversations began with marathons, specifically the Boston Marathon since that is an integral part of my reasons for starting to run and my running journey up until this year. What I didn’t expect was that talking about marathons would lead to a pretty raw and deep discussion about eating disorders and my experience struggling with and recovering from anorexia and bulimia.

The Unexpected

It was unexpected yet at the same time so valuable and so necessary. The thing about eating disorders is that they thrive in secrecy. So the more open and honest you can be about them the less power they have. Which is why I have no reservations sharing details about my struggle and my journey to recovery.

Talking in depth about the past caused me to stop in the last few weeks and reflect not just on how far I have come, but ways that the issues that lead to my eating disorder like perfectionism and feeling “not good enough” are present in my life today.

While I consider myself completely recovered and free, the aspects of my personality that contributed to my eating disorder haven’t disappeared. I’m still a perfectionist. I still want to be the best at anything I try. And sometimes I do feel like I’m not good enough, except now it’s in regards to things besides my outward appearance. I doubt my ability as a mom. I doubt my ability as a writer. I doubt my ability as a runner. For so long those aspects of my personality were completely destructive to my health and my relationships but instead of trying to erase them, I’ve tried to channel them towards things that bring me joy and strengthen my relationships with others.

And so that becomes the litmus test, the check and balance to the extremes of my personality. Does it bring me joy? Does it strengthen my relationships? And if the answer is no, then I need to reexamine the things that I am striving for. I can’t say I’ve alway succeeded in abiding by this test though, sometimes in my stubbornness I push forward with my goals and often my relationship suffer.

[Tweet "Setting new goals? Ask yourself 'does it bring me joy?' #goalsetting"]

Goals Going Forward

Right now, in the running-realm of my life I find myself somewhat goal-less. My past running goals have centered around the marathon and this year I’ve discovered that the marathon doesn’t bring me joy the way trail running and mountain running have brought me joy this year. And so I’m tempted to form new goals around this newfound aspect of running. But there’s been hesitation: how much of this joy is the fact that I’m not striving for perfection in this arena of running? How much of this joy is the fact that there is no self-imposed pressure? Will this joy fade if I bring to the mountain running what I brought to the marathon?

I’m not sure I’ve figured out the answers yet. I do know that those “dream big” goals are what light a spark inside me, they get me out of bed in the morning. They give structure to training and honestly I really enjoy the journey too. But at least now I know those goals will be tempered by the all important question: does it bring me joy?

--Sarah

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