For me the CHaD HERO Half Marathon was more than just a race. When Jack became a CHaD patient last year we unknowingly became part of a much larger community: mom's and dad's with hurting kids, doctors and nurses and support staff who care for those hurting kids and the many community members who help support it all. It is a family really, one that we are now a part of. Over the course of the weekend our family had a chance to interact with some of the other CHaD families. Everyone has a story, most of them are painful: leukemia, a tragic accident, a chronic illness, a congenital birth defect, some have happy endings. There's a comfort in being surrounded by people who know exactly what you've been through because they have walked that same road. You make a connection and it sticks. Like the Marshall family. Cam Marshall is a CHaD kid like Jack, he was diagnosed with leukemia when he was 8. Now 14 years old and two years cancer free, he and his entire family, including all 7 siblings and mom and are constantly giving back to CHaD in amazing ways. Their family was at the race on Sunday. I had the chance to chat with Elena Marshall, Cam's mom, while Sophia ran circles (literally) around Cam's sisters and Cam entertained Jack. I later saw Cam's dad out on the course directing and cheering on runners.

Sophia and Jack hanging out with the Marshall family.

It is families like theirs that helped make the care and services that Jack received this year possible. They made a difference for us before we even knew we would need CHaD, and this whole thing the fundraising and the running, the purpose has been to make a difference for another family out there who will one day need CHaD.

Now for the recap...

Saturday: The weekend started with a beautiful two hour drive up to Hanover, NH. The leaves are slightly past peak here in NH, but on Saturday the colors were still pretty: a few stubborn maples added bright reds and yellows to the rust colored oak trees. We arrived at the hotel and went straight to the pool where we exhausted our kids to ensure a solid nap before attending the fundraiser awards reception.

Later that evening we attended The Heroes are Here Awards Tribute where awards were given to top fundraisers and outstanding volunteers. I received the Top Individual Fundraising award for raising over $7000 (an amount that would not be possible without the generous donations from family, friends and readers...thank you!). It was a moving evening and I was glad I opted for waterproof mascara.

We got back to the hotel around 9pm and after wrangling some pretty cranky kids into pajamas we all went to bed. Everyone slept WONDERFULLY...I would know because I was awake to hear them all sleeping soundly. Seriously, the whole family all in one room and everyone slept...but me.

Sunday: The race didn't start until noon on Sunday, which is good when you have to get a family of four to the race, but not so good when you're the one racing. It was hard to relax, thankfully race nerves were never an issue. I felt pretty relaxed all Sunday morning. But mentally I felt stale, like somehow I'd lost that mental edge and gone past the point of "being ready". It was like I was had thought about the race too much.

Sunday was absolutely gorgeous! The perfect fall day in New Hampshire.

Race: When we arrived at the race we went straight to the VIP tent (a perk for being a top fundraiser and probably the only time I'll ever be in a VIP tent at a race;) and hung out there until the start of the Cam's Course Fun Run, which Sophia was signed up to run. The fun run was scheduled to start at 11:30am and then the half marathon at noon. The course for the half marathon was three loops around and through the Dartmouth Green, which meant a perfect opportunity to see my family twice before coming into the finish.

Fun Run:The fun run was honestly the highlight of my day. I loved standing at the start as a family, watching Sophia get excited and finally running with her across the start line together. Once we got across the start line and on to the road she really opened up her stride and went for it. She ran, walked the whole mile in just under 19 minutes. About half way through the fun run I ran ahead to the use porta-potty one last time and then doubled back to Sophia and my husband to get in a bit of a warm up. Then we crossed the finish line as a family.

Thumbs up for thumbholes ready to rock the fun run!

Fueling: My plan had been to have my normal breakfast at 7AM and then eat a bagel and peanut butter at 10AM. But we didn't get down to breakfast until 8:30 and so I tried to combine the two and had half a bagel, an egg and peanut butter. But I didn't really eat again after that. Which only compounded the fueling issues from the night before. I knew going into the awards reception that light refreshments were going to be served, but I figured that we might be able to leave early and get a bite to eat on the way back to the hotel. That didn't happen. So my fueling on Saturday night consisted of an Odwalla bar, a slice of fig bread, 5-6 crackers, some grapes, a slider, a stuffed artichoke leaf and a stuffed mushroom. I didn't feel hungry when we left the reception, but I knew I hadn't eaten enough. Normally I'd have pasta with meat sauce and a salad. Nothing crazy but a good balance of carbohydrates, protein and some fiber. I had hoped that having extra time in the morning would mean I could fuel more, but that didn't really pan out.

Race Start: Just after the fun run ended I made my way to the start of the half-marathon. I really had no race nerves, they had been diffused by the fun run and the time spent connecting with the Marshall family. I was just ready to run. A few minutes before the start I stood in the corral, soaking up the moment. It was a beautiful day: blue sky and the perfect running temps. It was a day I'd trained for a looked forward to all summer long and here it was. I just wanted to get out there an go. I felt hopeful, a little emotional but mostly ready.

Miles 1-3 (7:13, 7:15, 7:11) The horn went off and we started across the Dartmouth Green for our first loop. The 5K and half marathon started simultaneously so I knew I didn't want to get pulled out to fast, but I did. I kept telling myself to reign it in and slow down, and I honestly felt like that's what I was doing but it wasn't slow enough. My goal was to run the first two to three miles at 5-10 seconds under goal pace or 7:20-7:25. I was no where near where I should have been and I paid for it in the last three miles of the race.

Miles 4-6 (7:26, 7:29, 7:32) Miles four through six headed west across the Connecticut river into Norwich, VT. These three miles were a gradual and steady hill climb from the river up through Norwich. We gained about 200 feet in elevation in those three miles, gradual and steady climbing nothing outrageously difficult but when you add a steady 15 mph wind it's tough going. I slowed here but felt strong.

Miles 7 and 8 (7:13, 7:03) Miles 7 through 8 looped back through Norwich and towards the river. The run along the river was pancake flat and felt good. At one point someone yelled out that I was the 13th woman. Three of those 12 women were right in front of me. I felt good and smooth Then the course turned up onto the bridge and crossed back over into Hanover, NH. Of the whole race these two miles felt the best: I knew I was over halfway and I felt strong, like now was the time to push the pace.

Mile 9 right after my legs became tree trunks. I might be smiling but I was seriously entertaining the thought of quitting.

Miles 9-13.1 (8:04, 7:57, 8:34, 7:58. 8:42, (.1) 8:56) And I did push the pace into mile nine, over the bridge and up the hill on the other side, but it was halfway up that hill that my legs lost it. And I stopped. I walked. My quads were toast. My legs felt empty. I'd just finished my GU in the middle of mile 8. Whatever fuel it had provided was gone. I dragged myself up that hill and we crossed through the Dartmouth Green a second time on our way out for our third loop. I saw my husband and did my best to smile as I ran by. He asked how I was and all I could muster was, "Meh." At that point I wanted to quit so bad. I knew that my legs were done. My goals A and B goals were no longer within reach. The only way I was going to make it through the next three miles was to just put one foot in front of the other. And we still had two more hills. I toughed it out from mile 10 to 11 where the first of two hills were. I tried to stay steady on the flats and even saw a 7:20 on my watch at one point. I felt hopeful and tried to push again thinking I could at least come in under 1:40 and stay in the top 15 women. I turned the corner at mile 12 to head back towards the Dartmouth Green and felt the smack of the wind. The final mile took us through the golf course and up a 100ft hill climb back to the Dartmouth campus. The wind was steady the whole way and the wide open golf course meant there was nothing to break the wind. When I hit that hill I walked again, five or six women passed me. My legs just wouldn't go. I crested the hill with a quarter mile left and gave my best into the finish. I saw my husband and family cheering me on and heard a few other people call out "Go Sarah!"

Official Time 1:41:26 7:42 pace

21st female, 85th out of 658

It was not the finish I had trained for, but it was a nearly five minute PR. I'm pleased with the PR, I made my C goal. The day itself was a lot of fun with some amazing family memories and moments I will always cherish. But there is a bit of disappointment, a little embarrassment and a whole 'lotta doubt. The doubt says: Maybe you weren't really capable of running 1:35 all along. Maybe you were too ambitious. Maybe you don't have what it takes. Maybe you should keep your goals to yourself. Maybe you made it too important. Maybe you invested too much of yourself. Maybe the pacing problems and the wind and the hills are just excuses. Maybe you suck. (Harsh, I know but the thought was really there.)

When you make a big goal, a stretch-yourself-to-your-limits goal public, it is risky. You risk looking like a fool and failure. It's easy to keep big goals quiet so that if you fall short no one has to know except for you.But that's not what I did. I shared it here and then the journey along the way. Racing is tough, especially when you have a specific goal in mind. It is a challenge to balance the desire to reach your goal with a healthy respect for the distance and for what you body is capable of doing. Now that I've had a day to think about the race I feel like I have some key take aways that I know will make me a better running:

I started to fast. With shorter distances, like a 5K, you can kind of take charge and try to make your goal happen, yes you may suffer at the end but it's doable. But with a 13.1 mile race, you really can't do that. There's an element of patience and trust that you have to have in those first three miles of a longer race; you have to let it come and trust your training that the speed will be there in those final miles. If I could reverse my first three and final three miles I know my race would have been different. I was to eager to go out and MAKE my goal happen, I didn't allow it to come to me the way it probably would have had I trusted my training, started slower and been more patient with my body.

I didn't respect the course. I studied the course map and elevation chart, but I didn't drive the course. I wish I had because I think I might have altered my ambition going into the race. Over the course of 13.1 miles I gained 878 feet in elevation. It was hilly. I knew it was. I thought that I'd be stronger on the hills. But when you start too fast you can't really tough it out to the end like you can on a flat course. The hills just exacerbate bad pacing. The addition of 15-25mph winds (the two toughest hills were into the wind) did nothing to help.[The wind on Sunday was no joke. Driving home my husband and I commented on the fact that ALL the leaves were gone. The trees that had been red, yellow and orange on the way up were now bare sticks]. It's tough to PR and PR big on a tough course. And I knew that going in, I think that maybe I should have adjusted my goal to the course. Looking back I think that 1:37 was probably more realistic for the course.

Fueling is Important. This seems like a total no-brainer: what you eat makes a difference. I know it's true. I don't necessarily have a huge cargo-loading dinner before a big race, but normally I eat a dinner with more carbohydrates, some lean protein and a good bit of fiber to ensure I get that vital pre-race poo. I should have had a better plan or Saturday night, maybe a dinner in the fridge that I could have microwaved back at the hotel. But I didn't. Oh well. Lesson learned. Have a plan.

It's would be easy to let the disappointment and doubt of not making my goal overwhelm all the good that happened (since I have a tendency to dwell on and wring my hands over things that don't go as planned..this applies as much to a missed race goal as it does to a burnt dinner). But ultimately the weekend was more about being a family, celebrating the end of a tough year and making a difference in the lives of children and families who need the services of CHaD. And that's exactly what happened: this years CHaD HERO Half Marathon was the biggest in the events eight year history and raised $650,000 for CHaD.