Handling Refusal in Your Child--the Encouragement-Based Parenting Approach

This is a guest post from my husband, Mark who has a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. He is my go-to resource (how convenient, ha!) when I’m feeling frustrated as a parent . I know I’m usually sharing about running, wellness and mindset, but a large majority of you are parents and how we interact as families and with our kids has a huge impact on every aspect of our lives. I known this advice helped me and I think it will help you too!

When it comes to parenting, encouraging your children rather than punishing them comes from the idea that people do better when they feel better.  Couple that with the idea that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child you begin to wonder if grounding your daughter for coming home late was your best parenting move. I'm on your side here; the underlying issues of trust, punctuality, and concern for others inherent in respecting agreements are actually pretty important. Helping children navigate the emotional challenges of consequences -be they natural or logical- is one of the most critical aspects of parenting. 

Encouragement-Based Parenting

In these consequential situations, Encouragement-Based Parenting seeks to shift the perspective from the action of the child to the scenario which led to their undesirable behavior.  Instead of focusing on the behavior, the parent asks: “how could I have helped them make a different choice in the first place” and moves forward from there. This more holistic approach looks for change at a deeper level and removes the knee-jerk reaction of doling out consequences in anger and frustration.  It's analogous to the individual who looks to prevent a physical illness rather than continually treating symptoms once they arise. 

Dealing with Refusal and Resistance

Last spring I was struggling to get my five-year-old to work on his reading lessons with me.  We’d spend a frustrating twenty-minute ended looping through the same avoidance behaviors and refusal, and it ended with me threatening to prevent my son from playing a screen game. I followed through didn’t let him play the game and even reminded him of this the next day as we sat down together to try the reading exercise again. In these moments, he would either shut down in tears or at best, reluctantly cooperate with a  lackadaisical and disengaged effort. The tears were a result of his own anxiety, and potentially his discouragement at finding the task of learning to read difficult. He was experiencing resistance and frustration in his own mind and his gut instinct was to get away from the difficult task. This natural reaction was manifesting as refusal. Think of a time when you’ve taken on an unfamiliar task, something that has stretched and frustrated you. As an adult, you’re probably better equipped to handle it, but children are just learning how to manage these emotionally charged situations. 

Recognizing Patterns

Once I recognized this pattern I took a different approach, an Encouragement-Based approach. I realized I didn’t really want him to respond out of fear, which leads to resentful, rote cooperation. I wanted him to be able to approach the situation, knowing that it would be challenging, but feel encouraged that this difficulty was part of the learning process and that I was by his side to help him work through that frustration and difficulty, not dole out scary consequences. 

A Softer Approach

With this realization, I decided that when we sat down for the reading lesson and I was met with resistance, I would walk away until I had noticed that my own negative emotion from the experience with my son had burned off.  He would return to playing his Legos and I could see his frustration also dissipate. Once it had, I began the process of re-engaging with my son. Reengagement with anyone after any sort of an emotional rift is an important and a skill that will translate into all types of relationships in the future. I joined my son in his Lego-play and began with humor, making airplane and robot noises. I initiated the reading lessons again, and because the element of fear and the negative consequence of losing screen time were removed, my son rejoined me without any negative behaviors. His anxiety was gone and he felt reassured that my presence was there to help and encourage him and wasn’t a sign that he would be punished if he struggled or failed. 

Encouragement + Confidence

Helping someone create positive emotion that they own takes thoughtfulness and respect for the other person's unique experience. The important detail here is that he was able to change his own behavior because we shifted towards building encouragement rather than reacting or responding to negative behavior. We changed the circumstances surrounding learning time by making room for struggle and frustration. By shifting the focus from making sure the assignment happened to a broader goal of helping my son manage the frustration and struggle of a new and difficult task, we built a life skill instead of simply checking a box. 

-Mark

Photo credits Raya on Assignment.