Metronome of Love
I teared up like five times during the marathon.
The first was when I thought of Darla and Cooper and their mom, Kristine–a stranger turned friend. And how the last time I ran Sugarloaf I saw her at the start break her ponytail holder just as the gun went off and I wished I’d had an extra one to give her.
The second was when I thought of all my athletes in the first few miles and how I believed in them and in their goals.
And the third when I thought of my athletes who had missed out because of ill-timed illness, and how I felt their heartbreak too.
The fourth was when I realized how different I am from the woman I was in 2014. And I decided to forget about how squiggy the carb load made me feel and how I’m 10lbs heavier now than I was then and it is not a bad thing, because I am stronger and more free. And how I am heavier in confidence and grace and self-love and that weighty part of me is maybe standing her ground against whatever is left of my eating disorder.
And the fifth time when I heard it: my name bellowed out in Mark’s loud cheering voice and this time my kids screaming too so that the cheer was a garbled mix of “Sarah” and “Mom” which is who I am in a breath–both. And I realized: I am so loved.
And I couldn't stop smiling so much so that the lady in the Ford Transit with the Vermont plates and the red cowbell and the rain jacket with ducks all over it, kept saying “Love your smile 259!” And she made me feel loved too.
It was right after the Mile One marker and in the middle of all these moments that I realized my watch was not accurate as it flashed 8:40 pace, but my manual split was 7:22. And I decided that it couldn’t be trusted, but my heart could be. So I toggled to heart rate and thanked my morning self for deciding, yes I should wear the heart rate chest strap. And decided to just trust my body.
You can outrun your fitness, I thought.
And besides, you’re good at internal pacing. You’re like a metronome, Sarah.
A metronome of love.
And there it was, my mantra for the race.:
Metronome of love.
So I ran with my heart, guided by my heart, thinking of all the ways I am loved and love, and I enjoyed every single step of the race. The hills especially, I love them. They felt like home. And then the downhill felt like a sweet reward for my hard work like I could just let the hill take me and then when things flattened out or rose again, I’d click back into this idea of being a metronome and I was steady and strong and happy.
And my family was there to cheer me, they stopped every two miles between 12 and 22 before booking it to the finish to cheer me down the finish shoot. (There are no pictures, but there’s plenty of video in this highlight.)
Around mile 23 when I was getting ready to pick up the pace, my calves began to feel twitchy and I sucked down the last of my pickle juice, which was not enough, and decided that finishing with joy was better than finishing with pain, at least for today. And so instead of ratcheting down the pace and easing closer to threshold heart rate I just stayed steady: metronome of love.
I may never run the marathon my training says I’m capable of and maybe that’s ok, because the joy and the love are what I need. What I deserve. Hasn’t there already been enough self-inflicted pain?
And when I crossed the finish line I felt satisfied. A little 2 min PR, no injury and a lot of fun all on half marathon training + ElliptiGO*. Who can complain about that?
Not this Metronome of Love.
Sarah
Watch my family’s IG Takeover HERE.
The Training Details:
Longest run: 16 miles
Longest ElliptiGO Ride: 30 miles
Longest Training Day: 2 hr MSUB ride (which built quads of steel for this race) + 12 miles (~4hrs total)
Highest Run Mileage: 39 miles/week (average 35)
Fuel: every 30 min Spring Energy with SIS at 60 min and 2 hrs, 4 oz pickle juice
Pre-Race Carb Load: 3-day carb load of 430-480 carbs/day (using Featherstone Nutrition Carb Guide)