Bad Mom Blues: conflict and the Perfect Mom Complex
I don't really like conflict-it just doesn't feel good to me. So I smooth things over by apologizing profusely for nothing, I run away or more often I arrange things so predictably that there is no room for conflict. I realized recently that's how I mother and I measure the "success" of my day as a stay-at-home mom based on the conflict that is present. My oldest doesn't want to do school: conflict. My middle doesn't want his younger brother touching his Legos: conflict. My oldest doesn't want her brother sitting so close to her: conflict. My middle doesn't want to clean up the popcorn he dumped on the floor: conflict.
Most days it feels like I am surrounded by nothing but conflict. And I felt like it was my job to manage, mitigate and eliminate all conflict. A "good day" is conflict-free, a "bad day" is filled with conflict. And a bad day would reduce me to feelings of utter despair at my inability to be a "good mom."
Some say the mess is "beautiful." I don't think it is, which makes me a bad mom.
Embrace the Conflict
I recently read The Curse of the Good Girl by Rachel Simmons. I picked it up at our local library, where it was hanging out on the shelf with the Puppet Books and Parenting Help. The title intrigued me mostly because I would have categorized myself as a "good girl" in high school and even into college. I was a rule following, perfectionist too afraid of conflict to ever do anything that was remotely outside of the box of "good." I got by as a young adult, but my aversion to conflict and willingness to toe the line and smooth over discomfort didn't serve me well in my professional career: I never stood up for myself when I should have, and it certainly impacts the way I parent now.
When I picked up the book I thought it might give me insight or a new angle on the correlation between "good girl" perfectionism and my past struggle with an eating disorder; the two are definitely intertwined and perhaps the book would offer new information. The first third of the book Simmons describes the curse of the "Good Girl," which is as you would imagine: the societal pressure to be quiet, kind, passive, perfectionistic. About 2/3 of the way through the tone shifts and the author stops addressing the "Good Girl" complex in your own child and speaks directly to moms:
"Assessing your own relationship to emotions will illuminate the school for emotional learning your daughter has been attending. " (Simmons, 132)
Wham. It hit me.My emotional maturity: the way I handle every day conflict, disappointment, frustration, discouragement-it's the curriculum I'm dishing up for my daughter to learn from. And what is she learning from me? That conflict is BAD. But here's the thing conflict isn't all bad. Conflict is where growth happens-where you learn to work through difficult relationships or navigate uncomfortable circumstances. If you don't learn to handle conflict properly you may end up going through life leaving a wake of conflict trailing behind you: broken relationships, short feelings, lost opportunity.
[Tweet ".@runfargirl shares her thoughts on the "perfect mom" complex and conflict"]
So all this sibling conflict? It's not my job to squash it or manage it, it's to help them reach a compromise. The conflict my children feel with difficult tasks, the frustration that boils up inside them-my role isn't to take that away, it's to help them sit with that feeling and figure out a way to work through it.
My job isn't to make sure there aren't any sibling conflicts during the day and I don't want my kids to be so scared of me or so scared of conflict that they are afraid to speak up for what they truly want: even if that's to have chocolate for lunch.
As adults it seems like we accept conflict in other forms: the fire that refines, the hill we're supposed to embrace because it will make us stronger, the pain that will lead to gain, but we're reluctant to accept it in our own children-especially not on the playground, where I see mother constantly stepping into to micromanage conflict.
run far girl
Role Model vs Perfect Mother
Later in the book Simmons gave instructions to make two lists one titled "Role Model Mother," which basically boiled down to the characteristics you want your daughter to learn from you, and the second list was "Perfect Mother," the standard you believe would make the perfect mother. My lists looked something like this:
Role Model Mother
resilient
not afraid to fail
risk taker
honest
authentic
vulnerable
confident
willing to ask for help
collaborative
compassionate
kind
hospitable
genuine
empathetic
giving
willing to serve
able to say no
brave enough to take a stand
emotionally intelligent
perseveres with difficult things
not afraid of being challenged or of a challenge
gracious with self and others
rebounds after disappointment
Perfect Mother
put together
calm
always engaged with kids
wants to be with kids above other things
puts others needs first
enjoys all aspects of being a SAHM
always follows through
enjoys playing with kids
never contradicts herself
accepts the mess as being "beautiful"
gentle
kind
self-sacraficing
never anxious, depressed or stressed
I see such a stark contrast between these two pictures I hold in my own mind: a strong, confident woman and a passive, dismissive woman. The irony is in the fact that the source of my frequent frustration is not measuring up to the "Perfect Mom," when what I really want to be (and portray to my daughter) is nothing like that.
"Any kind of authenticity begins with self-awareness: to be yourself you have to know who that is." (Simmons, 124)
[Tweet "Authenticity begins with knowing yourself #motherhood"]
Finding out who you are takes some time: a life time. So hopefully I'll get a few things figured out before they all grow up and move out. The beginning of this week was hard, like really hard and the thing is that even when you learn new things and gain perspective that doesn't mean it'll be smooth sailing. So we'll keep plugging away, conflict and all.
Healthy Family Habits
What would your "Role Model Mom" vs. "Perfect Mom" list look like?
--Sarah