I did something in Saturday's race that I've never done before: I didn't play it safe.

For the most part I try to run "my race." I stick to times and paces that I know I can achieve and sometimes I push, usually in shorter races where the chance of "crashing and burning" is somewhat limited by the distance, but mostly I run safe.

On Saturday I went into the race repeating a quote from ultra, mountain running legend Anna Frost:

"I love running. So I am going to go run this race."

It stuck out to me after I watched this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQplMkG6RNQ

[Tweet "Run the race because you love to run. Not because you want to achieve something. #running #run"]

After feeling disappointed at Boston the last thing I wanted to do was go into this half marathon racing for redemption. If there's anything that can almost guarantee "crashing and burning" it's racing with the wrong motivation. And my motivation for running the Big Lake Half Marathon has and always will be that I LOVE the course. I simply love this race. It holds a special place in my heart. It was one of the first races I ran after a three year hiatus from running. I'd pretty much quit running and racing, but in 2010 I laced up my shoes and ran the Big Lake Half Marathon and crossed the line in 1:55. A year later I ran it with my sister-in-law and finished in 1:45. High from shaving 10 minutes off my half marathon time I remember saying, "Wouldn't it be cool to win this race someday?"

I've been back every year since then either as a runner or as a volunteer, with the exception of last year, since I was due on race day. I love this race. I love what it means to me personally, I love that the course takes you along Lake Winnipesaukee, I love that it is hilly and challenging. And for all those reasons it is my favorite race. I knew I'd be running Big Lake before I ran Boston. As I trained though the winter more often than not I thought of my goals for Big Lake and not necessarily Boston. I wanted to give myself a shot to win, I thought if I trained for 1:30 as my goal that it would give me a good shot.

But in the weeks after Boston it became clear to me that I didn't want to try to push for that goal, that I just wanted to race because I love to run and I love this race.

My mindset going in was completely free of any expectations.

I wore my Timex Ironman stopwatch, I'd take my splits at the mile marks, but I wouldn't see my pace: I'd run by feel. My only instruction from my coach was to go comfortably hard the first mile, that that would set me up for a good race. And that I would probably feel pretty tired in the last few miles when I would feel the fatigue of the marathon most.

When I lined up on Saturday I eyed the competition; there were some familiar faces. And when the guy at the start shouted with out warning "Runner's go!!" I made the quick decision that I was going to run hard. That I wasn't going to hold back like I have in past half marathons, I wasn't going to start slow and save myself for a fast finish. I was going to race aggressively.

Right off the line a woman shot out, running full steam ahead (I would end up chasing her down in mile 10, to have her pull away and finish 3rd). Myself and three other women held back a bit (the women who would go on to finish 1st, 2nd and 5th). Within a few minutes myself and three other women had formed a small pack. The pace felt comfortably hard to me. But I know that comfortably hard at the beginning of a half marathon can be deceiving. I stuck with it and kept my breathing easy. We passed the mile marker and I took the split: 6:33.

And here's what went through my head:

Um. That's fast.

Ok.

I could slow down.

But this feels comfortable.

I know that my last few miles will be tough.

But I can stay with them.

I have an entire marathon training cycle in me. I've got the endurance to stick it out. Even if I slow down.

If you stick with them you give yourself a chance.

If you slow down you're out.

Why not try?

What's the worst that could happen? Positive split the race? That's probably going to happen anyway because you just ran a marathon.

Why not just go for it.

And that's when I decided to go for it.

I decided to try something new: to race not with a finish time in mind, but to actually race the other runners. I've read about and watched coaches telling their athletes to let a runner ahead of them "pull them along." So often I've run "my own race" and wound up running alone, and I slog and fall prey to the mental battle inside and don't run to my full potential. I wanted this race to be an experiment in running with others. I sticking with people even if it mean surging ahead in the middle of the race just to stay with a pack of runners. And I ended up doing just that:

Mile 2, 3 and 4 (6:52, 6:58, 6:57) The route goes past the finish area around mile 1.5 I got to see my family and blow kisses to my little ones. At this point the lead pack of female runners was pretty much intact and stayed that way through mile four.

Mile 5, 6 and 7 (7:35, 7:19, 7:06) Between mile four and five the course starts a long steady two mile climb up to the halfway point. In mile five things started to separate, the two girls who would go on to finish 1 and 2 pulled ahead of the gal who had shot out at the start and I stayed back with a group of four or five guys. We kept climbing steadily and I made a point to always be with another runner even if it meant working a little harder.

Mile 8 and 9 (7:17, 7:46) At mile 7 the course turns into a wooded neighborhood of multi-million dollar lake homes. The road is a series of little rolling hills. At this point I lost sight of the first two lead girls but could see the gal in third just ahead of me at each corner. There's a lot of little up's and down's through here and my goal was to "float" through the hills and try not get jerked up and down by the uphill effort and the downhill plod. Mile nine has the hardest hill of the whole race. It's a decent climb and as I powered up it I started to gain on the gal in third. I knew it was the last hilly effort of the race.

Mile 10 (6:40) I came off the hill at the end of mile 9 with a lot of confidence and as I passed mile 10 into a flat section I was so close to gaining third. I could wrap my head around three miles left, at this point I was feeling tired but I could feel a little kick. In some ways I wish I had ridden that little kick and surged to catch the girl in third. Instead I thought "I'll save it." But it disappeared in mile 11 and I never was able to tap into that little surge of energy.

Mile 11, 12 and 13 (7:44, 7:26, 7:35) I passed the mile marker for mile 11 and knew that I just had a little farther to go. The course flattens out a bit, but there's still a gradual incline that tired legs totally feel. The distance I'd closed between myself and the girl in third, expanded again. I wanted to ease up on the pace, but I was sure there was girl who was behind me who was probably trying her best to catch me. I did my best to hold on those last few miles, at this point I could feel every ounce of marathon fatigue in my legs. As I passed the 12 mile marker I glanced at the overall time on my watch for the first time: 1:25. Even if I ran a ten minute mile I'd still finish with a PR I thought. I pushed as hard as I could, a few guys passed me in that final mile, but as I approached the finish I gave it everything I had and crossed the line in 1:34:34 finishing fourth female overall.