There is No Pain Worse

There is no pain worse than the pain of your child. I was prepared for the surgery, for handing over my son and watching the nurses carry him down the hall to the OR. I was prepared for the wait. We did this all with the MRI. I was not prepared for the afterwards...for the heartache of watching my little Jack in pain, confused and hurting.

Kids hurt themselves. Our daughter dislocated her elbow when she was 18 months old. Sitting in the ER waiting for the doctor was hard. She was in pain. But I knew that it would end soon, that the Doctor would come in, set it right and she would be OK. It wasn't like that with Jack. Holding him in my arms, his little back a war-zone, I saw no end. One surgery is one to many. Jack still has one more to go and a series of expansions in between.

He basically has two breast-implant-like bladders under his skin above and below the nevus (congenital mole) that is going to be removed, and two external ports where bladders will slowly (over the course of the next 10-12 weeks) be filled with saline. It's not like he had a surgery to fix some internal problem, it is all there on the surface of his back. Holding him, changing his diaper, changing his clothes was nearly impossible on Friday. The worst part was putting him in his carseat to take him home, I could barely see the buckles through my tears. And then when I had to lift him out at home. Oh God. That was tough.

He slept most of the night Friday. He and I camped out in the living room and I fell asleep to the sound of his soft breathing and the wind whistling snow around our house.

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Saturday morning he was a little better, I was able to lay him down and change his diaper without much whimpering on his part (or mine). He cracked a timid smile at my husband.

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And Sunday he was better still. He giggled at me when I played peek-a-boo with him. Today it is safe to say he is almost back to himself.

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I am amazed at the resiliency of his little body. That boy. He is brave. And me, I am learning that I too am brave; that there is a God-given strength for moments like this. Though the fear and the pain and the heartache are very real and very big, I believe that my God is bigger and He is with me.

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--Sarah