cul·ti·vate

cul·ti·vate

try to acquire or develop (a quality, sentiment, or skill).

For most of my young adult and adult life, I thought confidence was a personality trait you were born with. You either had it or didn’t have it. It was predetermined, like the color of your eyes. That thought kept me quiet through high school and on into college. Less wallflower and more like an ivy with its roots burrowed deep into the brick, I was shy and quiet in a way that’s painful to witness. 

The thing is I wanted desperately to be confident, to be able to speak up, to say the right thing at the right time (out loud and not just in my own head). I wanted to add to the conversation. I wanted to start conversations. I wanted to stop waiting for things to happen to me, and have the courage to go out and make them happen for me. I wanted all of that, but wanting it didn’t change anything.

It turns out I couldn’t have been more wrong about confidence, it’s not some innate trait you’re either born with or without. It is something that can be cultivated. 


The things we think we lack can actually be cultivated. 
 

It was running that helped me cultivate confidence. It was something I did quietly, by myself every day, urging myself to get to the next stop sign, to run all the way up the hill. Little by little, through experience I proved to myself that yes, I could do seemingly hard and impossible things and that evidence was what I needed to do seemingly hard and impossible things in other areas of my life. The reasoning went that if I could train for and run a marathon, maybe I could also figure out how to start and run my own business. The confidence I cultivate in the solitude of my footsteps became a confidence that played out in more public spaces. I stopped clinging and started venturing beyond the walls. 

Lately, I’ve leaned on my experience cultivating my own confidence to cultivate an attitude of rest. Yes, I’m type A. Yes, I’ve always functioned in a high gear. Yes, I’ve been driven by perfection. Yes, I am high-strung. 

But, I am also capable of change.

So how do I apply the practice of cultivating confidence to a more restful approach to life? First, I have to define the thing I’m trying to achieve: 

Rest is the ability to move through life with a soft touch, holding loosely to outcomes and effort. 

Ultimately being more restful boils down to recognizing how little we do control. Because in truth, the type-A/perfectionism/high gear mentality is really all about control. We think that high-quality and consistent effort will result in controlled outcomes. Thus the tight and relentless grip on everything. 

So how do we loosen our grip and live with rest baked into everyday life and not just someone or two-week stint of vacation where we suspend the crazy and take a breath before diving back in?

Here are a few steps to get us started: 

See your own WORTH as innate and unrelated to accomplishment or productivity. Your to-do list is not a measure of your value. 

VALUE a positive sense of self and your own well-being over achievement, accolade and success (in running, career, parenting etc.)

Set clear BOUNDARIES that restrict energy output to only that which aligns with maintaining your own well-being and a positive sense of self. 

Be OPEN to asking for and receiving help. 

Hold LOOSELY to tasks and responsibilities and disassociate them with morality, character, and a sense of self. 

Approach goals, dreams and desires with a “TAKE AIM, LET GO” strategy. Focus on the skill of taking aim at something, the preparation, and effort, then release of the outcome. 

LET GO of the expectations and opinions of people around you and recognize that centering yourself in this way never serves you. 

Be RESPONSIVE to resistance in the mind and body. If your gut gives you one answer, but you feel compelled by outside forces to a different answer. Always go with your gut. 

Make decisions that prioritize MARGIN. Leave space instead of filling it. 

Believe that EASE does not equal laziness. 

The past two years have been high-stress and it looks as if the next few aren’t going to be any less stressful. And with nearly every system and even our genetics working against us when it comes to the idea of living restfully, the most radical thing you can do is figure out what it looks like for you to cultivate a more restful life. 

And maybe, as with running, this is an everyday thing; a quiet showing up, one foot in front of the other. Maybe some days you focus on decisions that create margin, others on letting go, and still another day on asking for help. This isn't an all-at-once kind of thing because cultivating something, anything never is. 

We don’t control much, but we do control our inner thoughts and attitudes and sometimes that’s all you need. 

Take a deep breath. Rest is possible. We can cultivate it together.  

-Sarah